The Illusion of Control
How Our Fears Govern Our Actions
Let me tell you a story. Once, a patient came to me who, at first glance, seemed completely successful. He had a prestigious job, a caring family, and the respect of colleagues. But every night he woke up from tormenting nightmares and felt a strange, inexplicable sense of anxiety. He came to me convinced that he was in control of his life, but gradually we uncovered another truth.
His life was thoroughly permeated with fears. He was afraid of failure, afraid of loneliness, afraid even that his success was an illusion. But the most surprising thing was that he never realized how these fears directed his every action. His morning decisions, evening rituals, even the way he spoke to his wife—all were dictated by deeply rooted anxiety. Ultimately, he wasn't living but merely constructing a complex web of avoidances and precautions, like a person walking through a minefield that doesn't actually exist.
Fear is an ancient feeling that is always with us. Once, it helped our ancestors survive in harsh conditions: fear of a predator or natural disaster kept them in constant readiness. But today, these physical threats have almost disappeared, yet fear remains. It has changed form but retained its power. Now we fear not the tiger in the bushes but public opinion, not the storm but loneliness.
Fear rarely openly declares itself. It works covertly, like a shadow, subtly directing our actions. For example, a person may convince themselves that they don't change jobs for the sake of stability, but in reality, they fear failure in a new role. Or a woman staying in a toxic relationship explains it as a sense of duty, but in truth, she is shackled by the fear of loneliness. We wear masks and create rational explanations for our actions to hide the truth even from ourselves.
When my patient began to recognize his fears, his world turned upside down. He saw that many of his achievements were not so much the result of ambition as a flight from anxiety. Even his family ties, seemingly strong, were, deep down, held together by the fear of rejection. The realization of this truth was a painful but liberating experience. He finally understood that he should not avoid his fears but face them head-on.
Fear is energy, powerful and uncontrollable until we refuse to acknowledge it. When we recognize its nature, it loses its power. My patient learned to ask himself a simple question: "What am I really afraid of?" This question became the key to his inner freedom. He began to see that the real threat was much smaller than the one he created in his imagination.
Life is not a battle for complete control. It is the art of living in peace with our fears. We can never completely rid ourselves of them, but we can learn to direct their energy towards creation. After all, in the end, fear is not an enemy but a reminder of our vulnerability, of the fact that we are alive.
And perhaps the most important thing I can tell you: do not be afraid to look fear in the face. In its eyes, you will see yourself.
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